MIKETRON BLOG

According to a report published by the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, self harm among young women is up by 51% and in young men by 27% for the years 2005-2006.
While you would think that suicide rates in youngsters would have gone up at the same time, it was actually declining in all of the study results.

So this pretty well proves that emo kids are:
a) multiplying like emotional rabbits.
b) DESPERATELY in need of attention (which their parents can't give them, man).
b) pussies.

It's obvious that something DESPERATELY needs to be done to help emotionally troubled, rich white teenagers living in the wealthiest parts of the First World. If somebody won't address this growing crisis soon, our teenager and young-adult population stands to suffer huge amounts of non-lethal, attention seeking injury.

Shown above are some of the incredibly complex, emotionally non-comprehensible Australian youth who just need our attention (but not the kind of attention you want to offer, because you can't understand where they're coming from, man).

How about you go outside and play, kids?

More blogs about Emos - Poor, Suffering Darlings - Legitimate Attention Seeking.

Well, sometimes there's news that just knocks us off our seats in cataclysmic shock.
And today it's because the alarmingly conservative numbers estimated by organisers for World Youth Day (week)- around 500,000 at first - appear to be unrealistic, with hotels in Sydney taking less than a fifth of the originally estimated bookings.

What's wrong with the world when 500,000 Catholics don't want to fly 20 hours on a plane to be ushered through a wire-fenced-city by Federal Police officers to see the pope on a giant TV at a racecourse?

Well, thankfully the Pope knows his market (and did in 1939, too) and so has announced that everyone who makes the effort to turn up on World Youth Day (week) will be given a free cherub to do with as they please.
And generally, they please a great deal.

Shown above is the pope and some of the "prizes" on offer.

If only Sydney had thought of this for the 2000 Olympics, we would have achieved expected numbers and wouldn't still be paying the bastard off!

More blogs about Catholics - World Youth Day (week) - Pope Benedict.

In some aspects of life, persistence is an admirable quality. Whether you're going for job interviews, starting a business or seeking the attentions of a potential lover, persistence can be a very rewarding personality trait.

In television comedy, however, just telling people that you're funny and hoodwinking a network into playing your show for a few years is not enough. You actually have to be funny or the public, stupid as they may be, will eventually see through your talentlessness.

Such is definitely the case for the lamest presenter on Australian Television, Rove McAnus, according to ratings numbers from last night's broadcast. Rove attracted a dwindling 834,000 viewers - less than half of his initial audience from earlier year - while GLADIATORS on Channel 7 (see Its-A-Knockout + anabolic steroids + cocaine) attracted 1.571 million.

Anyone who has actually watched GLADIATORS, let alone seen the ads for it knows that it is basically just muscle-men in tights who whack each other homo-erotically with big rubber phallic symbols. Unbelievably freaking lame, really.

But Rove is obviously twice as lame. The numbers prove it.

Shown above is Rove McAnus, the GLADIATORS and a malignant tumor that was removed from a man's testicle.
You decide which is funnier...

More blogs about Rove's Comedy Brilliance - Rove's Complicated Genius - Funnier Stuff Than Rove.

In the last few weeks there has been much talk of Kevin Rudd's relations with China and his all-too-convenient ability to speak their language. Public pressure has been mounting on the PM to "come down hard" on China for abuses of human rights, particularly in Tibet recently - and there have even been calls from some of our athletes to boycott the Chinese Olympics.

Ironically, when we had our own little athletics carnival in Sydney, 2000 we only won the chance to host the games over China by the tiniest of majorities in the Olympic voting committee because the committee couldn't decide who had the worst human rights record. Luckily, our record was SLIGHTLY better than china's (thanks, largely, to population size) so we got the Olympics before them!

So, if K.Rudd turns up and "orders" the Chinese to start practising human rights like a "civilised" country, it should be completely acceptable to them and not sound hypocritical at all.
Maybe we could send a delegation of detained asylum-seekers, Guantanamo Bay inmates and Indigenous Australians (who were taken off our FAUNA list in 1967) just to add extra credibility to our criticisms...

Shown above are some of greatest, heroic moments in Australian human rights - including our brilliant and fair handling of indigenous affairs, detaining people who are escaping persecution in other countries, the excellent and pride-inspiring handling of the David Hicks case and our ULTRA-PROTECTIVE child labour laws.

More blogs about Human Rights Bliss - Australian Egalitarian Ideals - Australian Happy-Fun Human Rights Camp.

With a voter popularity rate of just 7% (the lowest in Australian Liberal history), Brendan Nelson would certainly appear to be an underdog. But that underdog status could only possibly be granted if one ignores the fact that the man is clearly a hedgehog... and even less popular with the hedgehog community than the human world.

After conducting several thousand well researched and scientifically plausible surveys amongst Australian hedgehogs, our researchers found that Stephen Smith, the Foreign Affairs Minister, is more popular a hedgehog than Dr Nelson by a stunning 8,000,000%.

While both men have essentially the same qualities (a thick, healthy coat of spines, for example), but Australian hedgehogs clearly preferred Mr Smith to Dr Nelson who had supported refusing to apologise to hedgehogs for zoological living conditions across the country for the past 12 years of Government.

Shown above are some of the angry hedgehogs who feel "ripped off" by Dr Nelson's use of their image.

More blogs about Brendan Nelson - Liberal Popularity - well-spoken apologies.